The Best Restaurant in the World

Journal 11.18.24

I stood outside. Gazing. I’d just closed the coop the chickens roosting on roof beams. The earth was cold and bare and smoke of oak hung in the air. And it was snowing: and I thought no that isn’t right it’s not supposed to snow. And I thought well it isn’t even cold enough for snow. A dark force swayed through tree limbs. And I thought there is something else in the darkness beyond evil I thought no it isn’t evil there. We call it evil why? Because we cannot see? There’s something else out there. And I watched it. And I thought I see snow but there is no snow. And I nodded and said aloud no snow. And I slid open the door and walked inside. And closed it on the darkness. And passed crackling embers and soft sounds reached me from the upstairs television a children’s movie: Moana. And she said He was a demigod of the land and sea. And I smiled watching my curly-haired rug rats mouth’s gone agape. Enthralled. And the house was warm with them and purred its quiet sounds my babies are safe they are safe they are safe and sleep came over their eyes safe to enter darkness for dreams my curly-haired goddesses of land and sea. And I can’t get to sleep and I can’t get to sleep and I can’t get to sleep Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil… and Hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb jesus BOOM! and Mrs. Consilvio is coming through the overhead speaker into the fourth-grade classroom and I’m dressed in a white cotton collared shirt tucked into navy pressed belted shorts and white socks peak out above oxford uniform shoes and I hate it I hate it I hate it there and Glory be to the father and to the son and to the holy spirit as it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end amen…

     And this is crazy. I don’t think about it often. I just work through it I just work through it. This is crazy. I’m assembling the wire shelving for the dehydrators and the sheet pan rack covered in zipper plastic for the fermentations and I have these big shiny new refrigerators with the bright lights and one of them is meant for hanging fish to age. Intensify the flavor. Increase the texture. And this is crazy what I’m doing since I’ve stopped and thought about it I’m not working through it I’m not working passed it I’m thinking about it yes yes I’m thinking about this restaurant that I’m opening and I can see it now this vision I’ve had for many many years—like a dream. I suppose like a dream. I inch closer to admitting a dream a dream! A dream? And I think this place makes no sense it’s not a restaurant it’s an art installation of food. This small place… I have so many big glass jars. And I’m terrified what am I going to do with them what am I going to do here what am I going to make what will I serve I have no idea but I think I have so many ideas and I will serve them yes I will serve my ideas and my thoughts and my gasping breaths and my moments of tiny children warm and when ideas turn to sleep that doesn’t come I’ll close my eyes and I’ll serve the rosary repeat repeat repeat prayer yes I’ll pray in meditation yes I’ll serve that I’ll serve prayers. And I think how crazy all this is the woman in the parking lot asked what kind of restaurant we were opening and I said the best restaurant in the world! and I was being facetious and she laughed. But I wasn’t being facetious and I smiled because I’d said it aloud because it’s crazy and one shouldn’t admit crazy things like that it’s crazy to try to be like that and it’s crazy to be like that and I wonder what the others thought when they were building their best restaurants in the world? when people didn’t understand when people asked aren’t you going to push people away with prices like that? and they responded yes I do hope so because this will never work if the people who were always going to dislike it come no it won’t work if we market it to the people who won’t enjoy it. It will work because we will tell the people who will enjoy it. And those people will come from near and those people will travel from far and those people will journey from wide. And I think yes yes it is crazy to open a place like this.