Devotion, A Note

I’ve been thinking a lot about food. Though it’s better to say I’ve been contemplating new dishes the changing season vegetables vegetables tuna and softshell crab. Better techniques. How to better my offering… but I’ve been thinking about Art and I wonder what within me in a given moment is drawn to the pen or knife? There was a quiet group of guests and as I was plating in the hush a muted chuckle rang from the end of the counter. Not at me no but I allowed it to permeate my gestures… as I took great care in placing the chicken and crab and scallions onto the lemon verbena crab sauce just so… no they were not laughing at me (they’d come for this show) though I laughed at myself I was thinking I don’t do all of what I do for this careful moment no no this careful plating is not the culmination of my work this garnish this presentation I was overwhelmed with silliness. Vacuous. Fatuous. Meaningless. Inane… as I went plate to plate with my carefully cut garnishes…

     Simple plating is best. I want almost nothing on the plate. The beauty is inherent. I shouldn’t need to make it beautiful. Yes I was thinking that I’ve got the chicken and crab dish all wrong. I haven’t gotten to the heart of it. I haven’t peeled back the layers.

     And the next day there was a lovely group a lovely group and they were telling me about how passionate I was in my craft that cooking is my dream and such a dream led me to this place and I was able to fulfill this dream because I must have followed my passion etcetera… I smiled and nodded and allowed them their easy story no I didn’t correct them I didn’t tell them that I have no passion for this that I have no passion for anything. I have no passion. I am only devotion. And I wish the devotion was to a God that I believe in. But no there is no God quite like that some deity who will accept my surrender. No the true and unifying God accepts no surrender I cannot forfeit I cannot turn my back on Him because he is inside of me and I’m tired and there is no flame of passion no it is a churning churning churning devotion that I do not think I could begin to describe a devotion without speakable reasons a devotion that is tight within me like a secret yes like a secret it is locked within me beneath all the layers I wish the words of my kind and gentle admirers were true. But passionate I am not.

     Food. Writing. Art. Everything I do is devotion to God. Not the Christian God or Muslim God or Jewish God no I don’t believe in a God like that I only believe in the God that connects us all the one God that is inside of us and all around us. And once the dogma is stripped away from religion once the centuries of religious evolution are removed it becomes clear that all religions are the same… that we are individuals seeking to return to the whole.

     And anything that doesn’t serve this purpose the small bureaucracies the small questions they stand in the way of my devotion to God. And that knowledge took decades to rise into my consciousness. Amidst the people who have judged me or made claims against what is called my “personality”… calling me contrary or judgmental and perhaps in a linear way I am these things but why am I these things? My sole purpose is devotion to God and the forms and taxes and deadlines and permits… our capitalistic addiction to consumerism to conveniences they detract from the Christian Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment (KJV Matthew 22:37-38). And the Jewish Shema: Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart (KJV Deuteronomy 6:4-6). And Muslim: Say, “Surely my prayer, my sacrifice, my life, and my death are all for Allah—Lord of all worlds. He has no partner. So I am commanded, and so I am the first to submit.” (Quran Al-An‘am 6:162-163)

     Yes when it is all stripped away there is one over-soul that unites us all man and nature alike and for it I brine my chickens for it I pick the crab for it I clean the fish for it I blanche the asparagus gently gently for it I submit these words. And I do not see devotion in them who surround me. As they do not see devotion within me. Devotion hidden inside the body like a secret. If I have a passion it is in my refusal to climb nor help build this modern tower of babel. No I will not reach for the false god tricky the serpent slithers. There is one God. And when babel falls you will not find him amongst the rubble.  

Post Script:

     Most days I do not choose between the pen or the knife I choose both. I’m always writing tap tapping my notes quickly into my phone between knife strokes… I return to the notebook all day and I do my best to finish with it at night. A guest once asked me when I write. I said I am always writing. She thought I meant metaphorically. But no, in between courses I may disappear to the back kitchen… I pull off onto the side of the road… I don’t know why the pen and the knife. But I’m no longer asking.